


Don't Go

by Incompetence (LyubovMoya)



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Based on Real Events, Gender Fluid Shizuo, Heartache, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 03:45:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8129195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyubovMoya/pseuds/Incompetence
Summary: "We both know I've never been good at apologies.." he started, the hair at the base of his neck standing on end as he looked at his feet.
Shizuo raised an eyebrow, scoffing as he crossed his arms to make it clear that he had absolutely no interest in what Izaya was saying.
Swallowing harshly, Izaya continued. "I know we haven't spoken in six months.. And I don't know if you'll hear me out or just walk away, so I'll say the most important thing first... Happy Birthday."





	1. Please, Hear Me Out

This was the day Izaya had been dreading since the beginning of January. It was the 21st, Shizuo's birthday, and to be frank, his life had plummeted since the brute left him. Sure, he'd never admit it and he'd never show any signs of grief, but when someone mentioned anyone who bore even the least bit of resemblance to Shizuo, you could catch that tormented look in his crimson eyes for a split second. He hadn't a right to grovel over the fact that he had been dumped, it was his fault and he knew it. Shizuo had been the saint, just as they both knew this relationship would play out. Izaya was abusive to his lover through and through, including telling Shizuo that if he wasn't 'masculine enough' and 'identified as anything other than a man' he would leave him, and so it cost him what he never knew he craved so much. It cost him love, happiness, and serenity in every degree.

His footsteps grew slower and more somber as he approached Shizuo's apartment. His senses had been awakened and he was bursting at his seams from the anxiety that welled in his chest and threatened his eyes with stinging pin-pricks. He stopped abruptly at the door, muscle memory preventing him from taking a single step further as he recalled their drunken rendezvous, their kisses goodbye, their tears, their.... His breath hitched as his emotions began to sweep him off of his feet. Izaya had to be in his right state of mind to do this or he'd never get it done...but the what-ifs began to cloud his judgement. _What if Shizuo didn't want him? What if he shut the door in his face? What if there was someone new?_ It'd been six months and Izaya hadn't exactly stayed 'loyal', if that's what you wanted to call it.... _What if he actually was a she now..?_ Not that the last question would matter. It'd taken him six months to do this because he was evaluating himself, relearning who he was and what he wanted and he'd come to the conclusion that regardless of what Shizuo was, he wanted to be with him.

His hand hovered on the doorbell.

_What if he was better off without him after all?_ ... No, he had to do this.

His finger pushed the button into the metal frame with reckless abandon, sending a shudder up his spine as he heard a grunt and a series of locks unclick. Izaya could barely contain himself. It'd been six months since they'd had any contact and he was brimming with excitement and anguish and fear and emotions that he hadn't quite been able to recognize yet, but oh, god, they were coming to a head.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the handle twist and he shut his eyes tightly. The door opened and he heard a heave from the man in the archway.

"Orihara." The tone was cynical and cold and his name sunk into his his skin like acid, unyielding to the pain that swelled in his rib cage. His last name had been Heiwajima, once upon a dream. The memory tore a fresh hole in Izaya's chest yet he didn't even wince. He'd grown accustom to the pain now, it was all that he had left of this man before him.

"Shizuo.." He was taken aback by how _fantastic_ the other looked. His eyes traveled from the blond's shoes slowly upward until they met eyes. His eyes were always so captivating to Izaya and seeing them again after what had felt like an eternity almost made Izaya's knees buckle right then and there. "We both know I've never been good at apologies.." he started again, the hair at the base of his neck standing on end as he looked at his feet. Shizuo raised an eyebrow, scoffing as he crossed his arms to make it clear that he had absolutely no interest in what Izaya was saying. Swallowing harshly, Izaya continued. "I know we haven't spoken in six months.. And I don't know if you'll hear me out or just walk away, so I'll say the most important thing first, what I've been waiting to say for three weeks.. Happy Birthday."

He slowly raised his gaze so he could read the expression on Shizuo's face but it was impassive. He couldn't do this, yet he continued.

"I know you don't want anything to do with me, and I'll come right out and say that my worst fear standing here before you is hurting you. I've drafted and rewritten and scribbled this down and had friends proofread this to ensure only my emotions are coming through and not some pathetic, unknowing guilt-trip but I honestly have no idea if it helped." He laughed warily, clearing his throat again. "They all told me that this was a lost cause.. but if I don't _try_ , how will I know?"

The sigh that Izaya elicited from Shizuo was nerve wracking, but he continued on.

"Even though I started preparing for this over three weeks ago, I still mean every word I'm about to say." The silence that followed was all that he needed to continue.

"Up until January third, I still thought I hadn't done anything wrong and on the six month mark of our breakup, it hit me like a blow to the chest that you'd never done a single thing wrong to me. I can't name a single thing, honestly, and although it tears me up to say, I have to say that I was abusive.. That's what I was, right? Abusive. I was manipulative and even though I used to say that I was in our relationship, it never seemed to bother me or sink in that my controlling nature was killing who you were. It never once crossed my mind that, even though I supposedly loved you and was supposed to protect you, that I was pulling you apart at the seams and I'm sorry."

The silence that filled the void this time was deafening, sending electric currents down Izaya's extremities .

"I'm so sorry. I know you probably don't believe me, I wouldn't either, but I cant let your twenty-fifth birthday pass by without telling you that how I treated you eats me alive every single day, as it should, and I will always let it do so until the day I die because that's what I deserve. It hurts more than what I did to those girls.." Izaya's heart lurched at the Shizuo's lack of anything. Apathy was not something he could handle right now. In fact, it was driving him mad.

He needed something from him. A look, a sigh, a slap, something.. But nothing came and so he began to panic. 

"This isn't me begging you to come back to me, this isn't me groveling at your feet or trying to confuse you or spark some sort of feeling for me or vulnerability to make you miss me, I'm so scared that you'll think that. I know you've started pursuing your degree in college again and you're probably with someone else and I'm so happy for you." It wasn't a lie, his voice held no malice yet he felt tension peak between them when he mentioned Shizuo having someone new. Izaya had frequently accused him of cheating in their relationship, and he wasn't proud of it looking back. Why did he have so many trust issues back then? Shizuo had never given him a reason to not trust him.

"It wasn't until I got a boyfriend after you that I realized I don't want that," he paused, knowing he was treading on thin ice with this topic. "..and I'm okay with that. I just want you happy, from the bottom of my heart despite that cliché. Since I mentioned having a boyfriend, I feel the need to tell you that I dumped him. I love you. I always have, and I always will."

The door frame creaked as Shizuo shifted his weight against it, eyebrows knitted together in thought as he waited to see where Izaya was going with this. What nerve this prick had, showing up uninvited after the years of torment he'd been subjected to. Did he really think it was going to be this easy? Did he really think this was going to work _at all?_

"What bothers me the most is how I abused you." The air between them was sent into an electric frenzy yet again and Izaya could almost feel Shizuo's shoulders tense as if he had been resting his hands there the whole time.

"The second most thing that bothers me is that fact that in my five years with you, I realized in this six months apart that I don't have a clue about who you are, and I'm sorry about that too because I want to. I'm ashamed of myself that I don't. I've been referring to you as Naoki on online forums and social media, and my friends and family whom I've openly told I'm in love with a girl.. Is that what you identify as? I don't even _know_ , but I don't care either. They were surprised and at first, I was too but in this time of maturity on my part, I've come to accept that you're my exception and oh, fuck, I hope this doesn't offend you if you still identify as male or genderfluid. As I hope I've at least began to show, time can be a changing thing. But I'm scared that you'll chalk me up with those other abusive twits and think that I haven't really done what I said I have... I'm not asking for you back, I'm asking for you to allow me to be apart of your life, no matter how big or small that part may be."

"Izaya..."

" _Stop_.. Let me finish. I have _so_ much to say, and if this is my last time talking with you, it must be said now. Right now." Their eyes met with an uncertainty reflecting between the both of them. A nod was offered and Izaya proceeded.

"Though my life is empty and moments are fleeting without you, I can live knowing your life is brimming with happiness and pleasure. I miss you, I'd give anything to just be your friend or talk to you every so often, but I know that's a tall order and that you shouldn't befriend someone who abused you. To me, friendship is just a pleasant thought I suppose. I find myself asking my friends, _'Does he miss me?' 'Does he think about me?' 'Do you think he still loves me?'_ and although their assumptions hurt, I know they're right when they say I never cross your mind and that you didn't even miss me the seconds following your decision because you were everything to me. You were so good to me and there's nothing about me that you should miss. I was never your _'enigma'_ , I was your contaminator and you held me on a pedestal which I never once deserved. Call me stupid, call me every name in the book because I know you nor anyone else every believed me when I say I think you're it."

Golden eyes widened as Izaya professed again, his voice unwavering and just as definitive as the first time. "You're the one."

"Despite my feelings and everything I want to happen, even though I could finally treat you the way you deserve, I don't think you'll ever love me life you once did and I don't want a love like that anyways. I want to nurture something new with you, something healthy. I miss you beside me at night, but you wanted to be normal which is everything I'm not, and if that's still what you want, then I wish you the best."

"If you've come here to say you wish me the best, then _why come at all?!_ " Shizuo's voice shook with a suffocating rage as he pushed himself off of the door frame, cracking it subconsciously.

Izaya ignored him, staring in his eyes calmly as he continued.

"I know my thoughts are all over the place but I have too much to say and my time to say it is limited. For the sake of my sanity, bear with me. I wish I could show you the handwritten version of this speech because it's so much more personal and conveys more emotion than I think even my words are. Though, my friend told me that my handwriting gets progressively worse and honestly, there's a whole paragraph that I can't even read. I know that this is painstakingly long but I have to convey to you this raw version of myself. I'm scared you'll move and leave me with no connections to you. I'm no stalker, but I can't imagine a life where I have no clue how you are for the entirety of it. Maybe you'll ignore me and just shut the door, and I have to say this all now. What if I never get the chance to again?"

A low rumbled echoed between them. Izaya closed his eyes as he picked at the fur rimming the sleeves of his jacket. "Looking back on how you were when we first met versus how you left me... it makes me hate myself even more. You came to me as this sweet, loving, perfect partner and while you're still perfect, and always will be, I still feel like I made you a shell of your former self. I made you hide who you really were and I hope that, if you haven't taken down that defense yet, that you'll learn to love with an openness I made you seal away with someone else. Honest to god, I occasionally look you up because I know your art is stunning and I knew you'd become popular seeing as how you used to enter those contests.. That bird pot that you made, if that was you who made it, was gorgeous. I'm glad you still do art, and I'm glad you're listening to music. It's so, so healthy for you. I don't know what I was wrong with me for the way I tried to control every aspect of your life like that. No friends, no music, no books, no manga, no television or games, internet, social medial, time to yourself and time slots you had to call me by. I gave you no freedoms, for fuck's sake, I even tried to control what food you ate, and I'm sorry that you ever loved an abusive bastard like myself." His voice trailed off at the end as he realized he had lowered his head and was now staring at his feet. 

"Please don't take this as me changing out of guilt, either, I've done that enough throughout our relationship to tell the difference between actually changing and putting up some...facade. I don't know why I changed, I think it was out of love and admiration and respect for you. I hope you understand me and don't take it as begging when I say I'm so heartbroken that we broke up when I'm finally financially able to come see you or fly you to Shinjuku to see me..and actually be the personal you deserve in your life. I want to spoil you, and while this is me asking for that chance, I honestly would just appreciate finally spending quality time with the person I've always dreamed of. I would come to you as early as this weekend if you would just say the words, but, like I said previously many times, I understand if you are against it. I _love_ you, I just want to see you happy as repetitive as it may be getting. And can I please mention that I'm so glad that we met the way we did..? I feel like if I had met you when you were solidified in your gender and choices, we would've never gotten as close as we did. I'm so upset that in the past five years, I've said that, and not once have you heard me out on it. I could sit here and tell you why I cherish it so much, but it would be daft of me."

Everything he'd said had been true and it was weighing on his chest like he had realized it for the first time all over again. "I never deserved you or your kindness and your loving nature but I thank the gods every day for giving me that little bit of time I had with you because it was a fucking blessing, a miracle even. I'll always be lucky just knowing I'm privileged enough to be able to look at the same sky as you let alone live on the same planet. You used to say I was your muse, but darling, it was quite the contrary. I have to distance myself from my fears just to stand here before you. It's the absolute least you deserve after putting up with someone like me for as long as you did. Thank you, by the way. I know it wasn't easy and I don't know how you did it for five years, but thank you. Between my depersonalization disorder and manic depressive disorder, you were truly my saving grace." 

" _Enough_ ," Shizuo's voice wavered slightly.

"I hope you give me a response or just let me know you heard me out but I understand if you don't want to. It's your life, it's your about you and your emotions and what you need. No one should ever make you feel guilty for what you want in life. I hope you'll talk to me. While I don't want to stop blathering on and on to you, and I can never get my fill of apologizing to you or telling you how much I love and miss you, I feel like what I've already said has fallen upon deaf ears albeit rightfully so."

"Stop.."

"So if this is the end and you decide to abandon life here or not respond to me, I can rest easy knowing I told you that I love and miss you and that I'm sorry and will be sorry about this my whole life. You're perfect, you're stunning and talented and mesmerizing and don't you ever let people like me tell you differently. Don't let who I was to you ever, ever phase you. Happy Birthday, and know I love you still."

He raised his head and gave a weak smile, tears rolling from crimson eyes down his alabaster cheeks to his chin. "Always have, always will."


	2. 请杀我

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who gives a fuck about love anyways?
> 
> It's just another chemical imbalance.

Shizuo opened his mouth to say something, his face collected with sympathy reflecting in his amber eyes but Izaya caught the shuffle of someone behind him.

Leaning in closer, he and the stranger met eyes and all he could do was lean in again for a closer look before straightening himself out.

"I see I've disturbed you, or rather, come at an inconvenient time. It was silly anyways, to think that my emotions or love alone would have some profound effect on you. I don't know what came over me, but I assure you, I won't let it happen again."

"...Well, perhaps it's for the best that it happened this way."

Izaya turned on his heel slowly so that he was facing away from his previous lover, nodding as his tongue darted out to carress the tip of his right canine as he contemplated what to say. The look alone was one of his old traits, something he did before he cut someone to the bone with his words. He couldn't let Shizuo know he was fighting every urge to snap right then and there. He'd changed after all, right?

_Right?_

His hands shook with an overwhelming rage as he thought about just who this man was and bow long they'd been seeing each other.

"Over a year.. Closer to two."

He _always_ knew just what Izaya was thinking and it _pissed him off_. 

"Didn't ask."

"Didn't have to. Your shaking body language says it all. Like it or not, I can still read you. Even if you don't have a clue about who I am and what I've done. That's the problem with loving too deeply."

Izaya rolled his head along his shoulders, biting into his cheek as he heard the cracking from his joints. Did Shizuo just imply that in their five years, everything was a facade? Some big game to him? He wiped his eyes, his temperature steadily rising to a simmer.

What a fucking fool he felt like now. He'd come here and confessed and cried and put his soul into an apology that inevitably meant nothing. Honestly, he would've felt more content with the door being shut in his face or a smirk followed by a contrite, "Fuck you." And the worst part? He couldn't even be mad, he'd gotten the outcome he'd expected, after all.

"Listen, Izaya.. We shouldn't be friends either."  
"Yeah," the stranger chimed, draping an arm over Shizuo's left shoulder as he ran his tongue over his own right canine.

Izaya felt a rod of ice pierce his thawed heart and it blackened quicker than the night sky. He saw himself in this man before him and it made him sick to his core. Who gives a fuck if you change? If it's not for yourself, it's not worth it. The raven missed who he was, horrible attributes and all, he was tired of being a good person and nothing but heartache befalling him. If things weren't going to go in his favor, he wasn't going to act like a ray of sunshine. He didn't have time for optimism. Reality was a constant nudge.

"Well, Shizuo, perhaps you're right. All I was ever good for was being a good fuck, so this is better. If I falter and text you, do forgive me, _oh gracious one_ ," he spat, bowing mockingly as he narrowed his eyes that were still focused on his feet once he straightened himself up.

The coldness that radiated from within him was a divine comfort of which he had found himself aching to endure. His stiffened bones creaked as he lifted his head to meet eyes with the men who were going to rip him apart through his thoughts for the rest of his life. With a downtrodden smirk, he stepped off the porch steps and waved to them without looking. 

"You're cynical, Shizzy-chan," Izaya snapped, the smile never leaving his face as he continued on.

"Who gives a fuck about love anyways?

It's just another chemical imbalance."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is surely not my best work but this was hard enough to even put out. Sorry 'bout that.

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on real life events of an apology I wrote to my ex of five years. He dumped me March 5, 2016 and I deserved it. Their birthday is 9/27/16 and this is all the courage I've mustered up. 
> 
> The second chapter will be his response or the lack thereof.
> 
> I'm aware of how shitty I was, please don't rub salt in the wounds.


End file.
